I have been debating whether or not I wanted to write this particular blog post or nor for awhile. Once I get it down, I am sure I will post it. I know a lot of people don't read this, so it is more of a way for me to just get this down, off my chest, and potentially to move on. So if you feel like reading, continue on. If not, then don't.
Like almost every little girl, I have always wanted one thing. A family of my own. Yes I have my parents and my sister and my extended NOLA family, but that isn't what I am talking about. I have always wanted to get married and have children. I am just now realizing that this is a dream that will most likely be only that. A dream. No I am not trying to be overly dramatic, let me put it into my persepective to see if anyone gets it.
I am 33. I have never been in love. NEVER. Not once. I am sure some people are thinking that isn't possible, but it is. At this point, in my mind, I am too old to experience first love. I don't mean puppy dog adolescent love that happens in High School. In high school I had two "boyfriends" neither lasted more than a month. Since that time? I have had really, one "boyfriend", so from the time I graduated from High School, 15 (almost 16 years ago) I have had one. And I can't even call that one a relationship because it wasn't even that. It was a few dates, and then Katrina happened. Could of it developed beyond that? perhaps but I really doubt it. I was really optomistic after I moved here. When I was in Montana for college and then in Seattle, I didn't have one date. Oh wait, one in Seattle when I tried online dating. One in a twelve year period. Moving here? It seemed to pick up a bit. However other than the above mentioned dating relationship, most of the guys that have expressed somewhat interest 99% of the time either already in a relationship (married or girlfriend). The other 1% aren't that interested. Let me tell you how that works on the ego, to know you really aren't good enough for someone time and time again.
I have tried the online dating thing and it hasn't worked. I tend to be the one that does the asking out in all my dating history and I am tired of it. I have friends that say they are going to set me up. I have yet to see that happen. (No I am not asking someone to do that now) Most people will and have said don't worry it will happen you will meet someone. A majority of those people have people in their lives, have always had someone in their lives and most likely always will. Some people get 2nd, 3rd even 4th chances at love. I was hoping for at least one shot. Some people will say that being in love, having someone isn't the be all end all. Yeah...for the person saying that it may be true, but it isn't what is true for me. How can I know that when I haven't experienced it? I just do.
As for the children part, again my age is something that concerns me. I don't want to have a child with someone I don't really know, running out and getting myself knocked up at this point isn't an option for me. Let's not even factor in the "I can't afford it" aspect right now. I don't even know if I can have kids and by the time I find out? I will be too old, (again look at my dating record).
I will joke about it, even saying on my last birthday, I have 2 more years before I am officially an old maid. The reality of that statement coming true is something that I just need to learn to accept. I am finding it hard. But at this point I am done. I have done things in my life that I am pretty happy with, accomplished some great things. I will continue to have fun with everything I do. I just need to accept the fact that I will be the crazy cat lady sitting at the end of the bar listening to music. Please don't say "oh now that you say you aren't looking it will happen" yeah it doesn't work that way. Believe me, if that was in the least remote way true I wouldn't have had to write this post.
Some people may think that I am just whining here for attention, go ahead and think that. It isn't true. Like I said, this is me trying to move into that acceptance spot a little easier.
Posted by: Stacey at 11:46 AM
Category: NaBloPoMo
, Unload Session
I know it sucks ass. Blame Mike Furir.
You already are the crazy cat lady sitting at the end of the bar listening to music. :)
Tanya said to tell you you're still a young pup. She's 40 and still hoping. Same for Leigh Ann. Lots of woman have kids when they are older...hah, look at me.
Start saving $, you don't always need a man. Just friends to help you raise a child. :)
When/if it happens at least you know to cherish it and work at it. People have it and throw it away. Shannon (scott's cousin) is divorcing elman because she doesn't want to be married. I'm sure there's more to the story but she's throwing a good man away. But I don't know her side of the story.
Best thing is to quit thinking about it. Save $ so if you ever have the chance for a child you don't have to worry about it then. Then you are being proactive. But there's got to be an opportunity to start a website or something for women in your situation and make $...look at all my friends that are in the same situation...let me go think on it...
Stacey, oy. Really, what I'd say you already anticipated. Soo. What I REALLY think is that you are dynamite. You are sincere and fun and energetic and a doll. You are not clingy or a drama queen or looking for someone to "complete you."
I am CONFIDENT you will find love. You just will. If you don't, I will lose faith in mankind. I can't say it will be soon, but I just don't see you alone for life. Nope. So you better just enjoy that bed all to yourself now because you won't always have that luxury!
Glad you found the strength to post this. I had a similar "gotta write it to move on" post today myself.
Lunch soon?
Finally got caught up on your posts - I've been fighting with my internet on and off for a month now! To this one, I give you props for getting it all together...I have that problem of thinking on the same lines - no real relationships in my entire life, getting real down about it. Just gotta be okay with the self, be proactive and find new venues to meet new people..and see what happens. Acceptance is great, but projecting a future based on a current, albiet lasting emotion can rob the future of possibility. Hey, you're livin in the city where I learned what letting the good times roll really means...just gotta go with it, what ever happens will happen, and you'll come out on top, you're too fantastic have it not
Oh! And Congrats on the Business Cards! Just got my first ones too, sooo fun!
Good advice from the others so far...I have to echo Kristen...one thing you can do is to start checking out different hang outs, different experiences...you are comfortable in your life right now. You have your regular places where you see all the same people all the time. So, chances are you aren't going to meet any new amazing relationship worthy guys hanging at those same places with the same people. I know its not easy but you are the girl who left it all behind to follow your dream. You re-created yourself once when you moved down there, you can easily change things up and start going places where there are people you don't know yet. I know you love the music scene and you don't have to abandon it, but maybe try some new stuff...get involved in theatre again. OR find something else that you enjoy, where you have the chance to broaden your social circle, with different types of people.
You are such an awesome person and you make friends so easily wherever you go. Enjoy your life, you know how many of us are jealous of your life!